Um wait, what?

Alright that last post was a bit mushy and I know most of you are waiting for the funny stuff so here goes. Lets venture back to my early thirties and we can begin this humorous tale. I will apologize only once for my language and the content of this blog. Read at your own risk and don't bitch to me if your literate 8 year old reads this and starts yelling "fuck" around the house.

My ex and I decided to go our separate ways for the mandatory year required in NC. I moved to a small one bedroom apartment in the Dillworth area. I had not been on a date or in the dating world since I was 21 so I was a lost little girl. One of the first nights I went out it was for a Panther's game. I met a friend of mine out at Cans- which for those of you that don't know was a bar only open after games on Sundays for a few hours and the placed turned into an epic shitshow. That should have been the first clue- She introduced me to a guy whom she had known through other friends. For now let's call him Tim. We hit it off pretty well and before we knew it hours had passed and both sets of our friends had decided to leave the bar. After a few more beers it was closing time and he was way too drunk to drive so I offered to bring him back to his car in the morning saying that he could just crash on my couch. 

Now, at this part of the story you are probably thinking one of two things; first that I was a complete idiot for taking home a guy I just met who for all intensive purposes could have been a serial killer. Secondly you may also be thinking I was taking him home to sleep with him. The latter is not the case- I promise you my intentions were simply to not leave this poor dude stranded at the bar at 12am on Sunday night with no place to go. Clearly my lack of sobriety didn't really allow me to consider the first part. Yes at one point in my life my heart wasn't as black as it is now.  That being said we cabbed it back to my place (ya this is before Uber for you kiddos) I put him on my couch with some blankets and pillows and decided to jump in the shower- cue the psycho music. 

When I got out I found him asleep and snoring in my bed. I stood there debating what to do- smart thing would have been to take the couch but I will refer you back to the previous paragraph. So I woke him up and asked him what he was doing- he said he didn't really fit on the couch and would be more comfortable in the bed. Did I mention this guy was about 6'2" and probably a good 250 lbs so it wasn't like I was moving him myself. I gave up the argument and crawled into bed. The night passed uneventfully and the alarm went off early so I could drop him off before I hit the road to work. He sweetly made the bed, got dressed and downed a cup of coffee.  As we drove to his car he asked me to dinner that week and we made plans. On the drive home I was actually excited- someone new to have dinner with who didn't make me want to claw my eyes out. Little did I know

When I got back home my dog was acting really weird. She was circling the bed and scratching at the covers to get up. I decided to strip the bed and wash the sheets before I left for work - I pulled back the cover and stood there in horror as the realizations started to sink in. There was a giant dark spot where he had slept- thinking that maybe he had just sweated or spilled the water I gave him. I ran every possible scenario in my brain before I simply sat down and started to cry. This mother fucker had pissed the bed. I texted my friend that was at the bar with me that night before and explained what had happened. That he had gotten up, had a cup of coffee, talked about the week and our date, rode in my car...all the while wearing pee soaked drawers. Of course when I shot him a text message I got no reply. I sat there for a long while feeling sorry for myself. I sobbed, I got angry and then I realized I had no idea what I was going to do to clean it. Ask yourself if for whatever reason you peed the bed tonight- how in hell would you clean it? Yes you can wash the sheets and the comforter but that shit was allllllll the way into the mattress. Dumbfounded I started googling- mind you hungover- and texting my boss to tell him I would be running late. 

This was my baptism into the world of dating. A grown man had ruined my bed and I didn't even get laid in the process (sorry mom). Needless to say after  a few days of sleeping on the couch and a new mattress - I never wanted to date again. It took me a really long time to find the whole thing funny but now I just wait for the day I run into him again and can thank him for adding the most expensive sleepover ever to my memory banks and inform whomever he is with of his uncontrollable bladder problem. Yes,  I will absolutely embarrass the daylights out of a grown man who can't admit when he has peed the bed of a woman who was just trying to help him out. He's a coward and will receive no mercy from this girl. So guys here's a tip- if you make a mess- be a man and at least Venmo the girl some cash to help clean it up if you are gonna be too big of an ass to admit it.

So there is the first of many stories about my dating life- maybe not the tear jerking hilarity you might have hoped for but next time when you ask me "Anji why are you single" you can understand why I give you the look of wanting to stab you in the throat.

Until our next storytime....Au Revoir