A love note

So let me make one thing very very clear. I am lonely- not in the sense that I can't enjoy peace and quiet or that I need something to fill my time, but it's a loneliness that comes from the soul. There is something deeply human about needing someone in your life who you can lean on, turn to or talk with. We all yearn to have that connection with a kindred spirit. This is not to say that I don't have some pretty damn amazing friends in my life; it goes beyond that. It's the small things that people are afraid to admit that they want/love/miss.... the smell of someone on your pillow case, a simple touch of the hand at the end of a long day... the sometimes intangible presence that another person can bring to your life. Sometimes I find myself thinking when the last time I actually touched another human being was....currently I think it was almost a week ago after a team event. We were hugging each other and saying congrats- before that....most likely it was longer. As for the touch of someone who I truly cared for and loved... it's been a while. Those who know me will tell you I'm not a very warm and fuzzy person. For me that is a defensive mechanism. I've let a lot of people in my life physically and emotionally close to me and been broken by them in one way or another. So for me, I keep people at arm's length in all sense of the word. I'd rather high five you than hug you, or just simply wave hello or goodbye than be touched. It's painful for me at times- it awakens a sense of longing that tends to let me spiral a bit- hence where some of this blogging is coming from. Now you can analyze this any way you want, tell me it's ok to be alone- you don't need someone to make you happy or to be happy. Yes I can agree with that- but dammit if it's not nice to run into someone's arms when something awesome happens or to have someone whisper "I love you" right before you drift off to sleep. You may know me as a mean, hard, stubborn person but the truth is I'm a giant softy on the inside who has had to wrap herself in concrete and barbed wire to prevent the chance of getting hurt. Yes my walls are high and yes this in itself proposes a giant challenge for anyone who wants to get to know me. I get it's a tad bit of self sabotage. Someone once told me "you know, your're not really complicated. All you want is just someone to love you plain and simple."  More than anything, yes.... that statement couldn't have been more accurate. That is all most people want in life- is to be loved. From the time we are a baby in our mothers or fathers arms to the time we are old and being cared for. Love is what makes everything worth anything. I've watched countless friends of mine walk down the aisle to meet their love at the end and that magical twinkle that they have in their eye is the heart of my envy. Some day, one day I want to find that spark again. 

Until then.... the blog rambles on. 

Thanks for reading

A